It is no secret that a cancer diagnosis profoundly changes the lives of those affected by the disease as well as their families. For loved ones, a cancer diagnosis often feels like the collapse of the world they once knew.
Expert: Kamila Turakhodjaeva, Oncopsychologist, Taskin Hospice, Leader School, and the Children’s Academy for the Development of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
Expert: Kamila Turakhodjaeva, Oncopsychologist, Taskin Hospice, Leader School, and the Children’s Academy for the Development of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
Many mothers put their own needs aside. They stop paying attention to themselves, their personal lives, and sometimes even the rest of their family. Their entire focus becomes centered on their child’s illness.
What Should You Tell a Child Who Has Been Diagnosed with Cancer?
This is a difficult question. In Uzbekistan, there is still a significant lack of open communication about illness—not only with children, but with patients of all ages.
The answer depends largely on the child’s age.
Younger children tend to react primarily to the symptoms and procedures associated with treatment. They are often less frightened by the diagnosis itself than by painful medical interventions such as injections, surgeries, or dressing changes.
Teenagers, on the other hand, are usually more interested in understanding the diagnosis itself. They want honest answers from parents and doctors about their condition, the expected course of treatment, and its possible consequences.
Children are far more perceptive than many adults assume. They sense when they are being misled. They notice changes in their condition and are often aware when their health is deteriorating.
Living with uncertainty and unanswered questions can be far more difficult than facing the truth.
During Cancer Treatment, Families Face Not Only Physical and Financial Challenges but Also Significant Emotional Struggles. How Can Parents Prevent Fear, Guilt, and Resentment from Interfering with the Fight Against Cancer? How Can They Cope with Their Emotions?
Fear, guilt, and resentment are natural emotions in an extremely difficult situation.
What matters is not suppressing these feelings or burying them deep inside, but acknowledging them and allowing yourself to experience them. These emotions are a normal response to a crisis, and expressing them does not make you weak.
It is also important not to blame yourself for your child’s illness. Cancer is not anyone’s fault.
Parents need to make time for themselves, rest, and restore their emotional and physical energy. Only by caring for themselves can they continue to support their child effectively.
Maintaining close connections with loved ones is equally important. Talk openly about your feelings and experiences. Support, understanding, and human connection can make a tremendous difference during difficult times.
There is no universal strategy for coping with emotions. Every family and every person is different.
This is why I strongly encourage parents to seek support from an oncology psychologist. A child’s illness can trigger significant stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion in parents, and these emotional states often affect the child as well.
Working with a psychologist can help you find coping strategies that are right for you and provide valuable support as you navigate one of life’s most challenging experiences.
What Should a Mother of a Child with Cancer Know?
After the emotional shock of a cancer diagnosis, it can be difficult to gather your strength and focus all your resources on your child’s treatment. Here are some key areas every mother should be informed about:
Medical Information
It is important to understand the diagnosis, treatment options, and possible side effects. When parents know what to expect, they are better equipped to cope with stress, organize responsibilities within the family, and prepare their child for the treatment journey ahead.
Psychological Support
For a child—especially a teenager—it can be extremely difficult to accept a new reality and cope with changes in appearance, such as hair loss, weight loss, the presence of a stoma, or other treatment-related effects.
During this time, it is essential to support the child’s emotional well-being, acknowledge their feelings rather than dismiss them, communicate openly, and help them maintain hope and confidence throughout treatment.
Nutrition and Care
Parents should understand how to properly care for a child undergoing treatment and be familiar with all prescribed medications and care instructions.
Even after a child enters remission, it is important to continue following medical recommendations and preventive measures to reduce the risk of relapse.
Education
Long periods spent in hospital can leave children feeling isolated and disconnected from everyday life. One of the challenges families face is maintaining a child’s interest in learning.
Fortunately, there are now many online educational platforms that allow children to continue their studies in flexible and engaging ways while receiving treatment.
Social Life
Most children have hobbies, interests, and activities they enjoyed before their illness. It is important to help them stay connected to these interests whenever possible.
The internet offers countless opportunities for communication, creativity, and participation. Do not take away a child’s chance to pursue the things that bring them joy and a sense of normalcy.
A Positive Environment
Create an atmosphere that encourages hope, resilience, and recovery.
How Can Parents Emotionally Prepare for the Possible Loss of a Child? And How Can They Help Other Family Members, Especially Children, Cope?
Preparing for the death of a child is one of the most emotionally difficult experiences a family can face. There is no universal template or set of instructions that works for every family in such circumstances.
In many cases, children sense that their condition is worsening and begin asking questions. It is important to be open and honest with them, using clear and age-appropriate language rather than medical terminology. Allow your child to express their thoughts, fears, and emotions.
Create meaningful moments together as a family. These memories will become priceless. Perhaps your child has a dream they have always wanted to fulfill. If possible, help make that dream come true. Give your child—and your family—the gift of those joyful moments.
Whether a child has six months, one month, a few days, or even a few hours left, every person deserves the best possible quality of life for whatever time remains.
In 2022, Uzbekistan opened its first children’s hospice, Taskin. A hospice is a place where children whose illnesses can no longer be cured receive medical, psychological, and social support.
It is also a place where families create lasting memories together. It is where parents can begin to let go of guilt, and where children can continue to experience joy, comfort, and love until their final breath.
How Do You Continue Living After the Death of a Child?
If a child dies, it does not mean your relationship with them ends or that you must forget them.
Talk to your other children about what happened. Tell them about the wonderful brother or sister they had, even if they were only together for a short time. Answer their questions honestly, explain situations they may not understand, and allow them to say goodbye. Give them confidence that they can always rely on your support, understanding, and love during difficult times.
It is almost impossible to imagine life without a child. Yet life continues.
Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone you love. It should not be suppressed. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a deeply personal process, and its duration varies from person to person. In many cases, intense grieving may last for up to a year or longer. Give yourself permission to mourn and the time you need to heal.
In the months following a loss, families often feel isolated from the world around them. Stay connected with loved ones. Share your thoughts, emotions, and memories. Do not be afraid to ask for support when you need it.
Create meaningful rituals or revisit places that remind you of your child. Allow yourself to maintain a connection with them. They are still your child. The relationship has not disappeared—it has simply taken a different form.
Accept your emotions without judging yourself. Whatever you feel is valid.
Allow yourself to experience joy again, even after loss. Do not blame yourself for wanting to continue living, loving, and finding happiness in everyday moments.
Many people find comfort in writing. Keeping a journal and putting thoughts and feelings into words can be a powerful way to process grief.
Individual or group psychotherapy can also provide valuable support and help families navigate this difficult period.
There is a quote I often return to:
“Grief is not the end of the journey. We carry our loved ones in our hearts and memories, and they remain with us always.”
When and How Should Children Be Told That One of Their Parents Has an Incurable Illness and That It Will Affect Family Life?
Conversations about incurable illnesses are always difficult and emotionally demanding.
The first step is to create the right environment for such a conversation. It should take place in a calm and safe setting, without panic, rushing, or unnecessary distractions.
When explaining the situation, use language that is simple and appropriate for the child’s age. Above all, be honest. There is no need to exaggerate, minimize the seriousness of the illness, lie, or overwhelm the child with unnecessary medical details.
Be prepared for different reactions. Give children space to express their emotions and ask questions.
Preschool-aged children may appear surprisingly unconcerned. At that age, they do not yet fully understand the permanence of death. Children under the age of ten often process difficult information differently from adults. Their attention shifts quickly, which can actually be protective. You may tell a child that a loved one is seriously ill and may die, and a minute later they might ask to watch their favorite cartoon. Children are naturally oriented toward life and the present moment.
Many adults choose to withhold information because they fear harming a child’s mental well-being. In reality, secrecy can make the situation even more difficult.
If someone suddenly disappears from a child’s life—whether they are hospitalized and unable to receive visitors or have already passed away—the child needs an explanation. Without one, children may interpret that absence as abandonment.
A father who always brought home sweets after work, a mother who lovingly ruffled their hair, a grandparent who always spoiled them with treats—if that person suddenly disappears without explanation, the child is left confused and hurt. Worse still, they are denied the opportunity to say goodbye.
It is important to explain openly that their father cannot buy sweets right now because he is ill and in the hospital, but that they can visit him today.
Children should also be reassured that they are not responsible for their parent’s illness. Unfortunately, some parents use their health as a means of emotional manipulation, which can create lasting feelings of guilt in children.
Do not hide the stages of treatment or the potential consequences of the illness. Help children understand what may happen and prepare them for the future.
Most importantly, keep the family connected. Do not isolate children from their ill parent or relative. Children need to feel that they are valued members of the family. They should be given opportunities to show care, participate in support, and remain emotionally connected to their loved one.
What Psychological and Physical Reactions Can a Serious Diagnosis Trigger?
There are five commonly recognized stages of emotional adjustment following a life-threatening diagnosis. These stages do not always occur in order, and every person experiences them differently.
Denial Both the patient and their family may struggle to believe the diagnosis. During this stage, people often seek multiple medical opinions and try to convince themselves that a mistake has been made. Once the diagnosis is confirmed, they typically move on to the next stage.
Anger The patient may experience intense feelings of anger and injustice, asking, “Why me?” This anger can be directed toward themselves, loved ones, medical professionals, or the world in general.
Bargaining At this stage, patients try to negotiate with their illness, with fate, with a higher power, or even with doctors. They may make promises such as, “If I recover, I will live differently,” or “I will donate money to charity.”
Depression When patients realize that bargaining cannot change the reality of their situation, they begin to confront the full weight of the diagnosis. Feelings of hopelessness, despair, sadness, and emotional withdrawal often emerge. Many people isolate themselves and become consumed by their fears and worries.
Acceptance Unfortunately, not every patient reaches this stage. Those who do begin to accept both the illness and their circumstances. They focus on treatment, seek meaning in daily life, and learn to appreciate each moment more fully.
It is important to remember that there is no fixed timeline for these stages. Some people may move quickly from anger to acceptance, channeling all their energy into treatment and recovery.
Beyond these five stages, many patients also experience guilt. They may blame themselves for their illness or feel that they have become a burden to their family and loved ones.
Physical reactions are closely connected to emotional distress and are extremely common. These may include:
These reactions are normal responses to an extraordinarily difficult situation and should be addressed with the same care and attention as physical symptoms of illness.
How Can Illness Be Integrated Into Children’s Everyday Lives?
Open communication is the foundation of healthy family relationships. Talk to your children, share feelings, and explain the parent’s health condition in ways they can understand.
At the same time, try to preserve the family routines that existed before the illness. Watch movies together, discuss everyday events, and spend meaningful time as a family whenever possible. Maintaining a sense of normalcy benefits everyone and helps the ill family member feel connected to familiar surroundings and daily life.
Children love their parents regardless of their health condition. In many cases, they also want to help and be involved in caring for them. If it is safe and appropriate, include children in everyday acts of care and support. This allows them to feel connected, valued, and involved during a difficult time.
Why Is It Important to Talk About Illness and Death?
Talking about death is frightening—for both the person who is dying and those who will remain behind.
Yet almost every seriously ill person carries the same unspoken question:
What happens next?
We should not be afraid to talk about death. Fear of the unknown will always exist, but when we acknowledge it and discuss it openly, that fear often becomes more manageable.
Conversations about illness and mortality help us understand a person’s wishes and priorities. Every individual has plans, responsibilities, and dreams. A person approaching the end of life deserves to know what lies ahead so they can make decisions, organize their affairs, share guidance with children and grandchildren, and find peace in knowing they have said and done what matters most.
Some people carry words in their hearts for years without ever speaking them. When they learn that time may be limited, they often find the courage to say what they have long postponed. It is important to give them that opportunity—to express love, seek forgiveness, offer wisdom, or simply be heard.
Many adults worry about what will happen to their children and grandchildren after they are gone. Honest conversations can help ease those fears. Family members can reassure their loved one by sharing their plans, their strengths, and their readiness to move forward.
What often frightens patients is not death itself but uncertainty. When people understand their circumstances, they can focus on what truly matters and make the most of the time they have.
Why Is It Important Not to Leave a Person Alone With Their Fear?
This is a profound question.
Let us first consider what a seriously ill person may be afraid of.
They may fear being alone.
They may fear the unknown. Death is, by its nature, an unexplored experience. No one returns to teach us how to die. What we can do is help ensure that a person does not face that journey in isolation, fear, or suffering.
They may fear leaving their loved ones behind.
They may fear not having enough time to finish important tasks, which is why it is so important to keep them informed about their condition and involve them in decisions whenever possible.
They may fear losing their identity as illness brings not only physical changes but emotional and psychological ones as well.
All of these fears can create anxiety and distress. That is why patients need support, compassion, and understanding from both their loved ones and their medical team throughout every stage of their illness.
How Can Families Avoid Conflict During Difficult Stages of Illness?
Rather than trying to avoid conflict altogether, families should focus on communication.
Most misunderstandings arise from things left unsaid.
The most important thing is to keep your heart and ears open to the person who is ill. Practice empathy, patience, and understanding. Emotional outbursts may be a side effect of treatment, fear, pain, or exhaustion.
Avoid criticizing or blaming someone for their illness or for the difficulties it creates within the family.
Instead, work together and direct your energy toward supporting the person who is struggling. A family united by compassion is far stronger than a family divided by resentment.
How Can Children Be Prepared to Say Goodbye to a Parent?
Speak honestly and openly with your child, using language they can understand.
Give them time to process the information, ask questions, and express their feelings. Children often ask the same questions repeatedly as they try to make sense of what is happening. Be patient.
Do not hide your own emotions. It is perfectly natural for children to see adults cry. If tears come, explain why. This helps children understand their own feelings and teaches them that emotions are normal and acceptable.
Allow children time alone with the parent who is approaching the end of life. These moments often become deeply meaningful. The most sincere conversations, expressions of love, and lasting memories are frequently created during this time.
Remember that losing a parent is one of the most difficult experiences a child can face. Yet the memories they carry will remain with them forever.
Even if illness has changed a parent’s appearance or abilities, a child’s love does not disappear. They will continue to love that parent for the rest of their lives.
